Life throws you a curve: Lessons To Live By?

So here I am. I never thought of being this age! I always thought I would die in my mid-30s. I don't really know why, but ever since I was a child, my dreams did not exceed the age of 30. I didn't have a lot of visions of the future; I never imagined the older version of me.

However, I did imagine, at one point in my life, that I would travel and experience cultures, people with more imagination, and different views of life itself. I wanted to see what else was there in this life. Is this all there is to us? I can say that I had my first existential question at the age of 10.

So, the curveball... I am at an age to be a grandmother, which I am not. I am at an age to retire, which I'm not. At an age to have deposited enough memories and wisdom that I can share with the world, which I don't. Most importantly, at an age where I wanted to have completed my first book, which I didn't. I am, however, working from home, babysitting two rambunctious cats, endlessly trying to clean an overlooked house, dealing with my children's health issues, and most importantly, working again with my husband, which failed at my first try 25 years ago.

I have accepted this position. I am trying to deal with it as any inexperienced person, and I seem to be failing at some point and getting more stressed. When I was young, I vowed never to repeat my mother's "mistakes." At least what I thought were mistakes, such as being reliant on my kids, feeling lonely, feeling abandoned, and most importantly, feeling needy. All those adjectives and feelings associated I blames my mother, I feel it now. I keep reminding myself to be independent, sufficient, and fulfilled. Three adjectives I can honestly say: I don't feel at all.

So I've been thrown a curveball, but can I at least have a full picture of the new life I need to embrace? My older daughter should be married with children; my younger daughter should complete her education and begin her career and family with her husband. They would come to see me every weekend, and we would enjoy our weekly dinners with children playing, being noisy, laughing, and crying simultaneously. Or should I be organizing my next vacation and making plans to complete the renovations on my mother's house?

Nope, none of those! My curveball has spikes in every role. But on the bright side: I'm relatively healthy, I have more energy than I actually need, and I can type faster than my brain processes thoughts. YAY... LET'S CELEBRATE!

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